THE SCOOP ON BIDO

There is not a lot of information about Bido in the canon of Fullmetal Alchemist. That's why I'm here. To compile all of it.

Ready? Let's start with

THE BASICS

QUICK STATS

Name: Bido (ビドー, bee-doh)

Age: Middle-aged

Species: Human/gecko chimera

Hair color: N/A

Scale color: Ash brown

Eye color: Brown

Height: 3'10" when crouching (Brotherhood height chart), 4'11½" pre-transmutation (03 mugshot), ~4'5" standing normally (my best attempts at math)

Job: Greed's scout and spy

In all 4 iterations of the story of FMA (save the live-action movies which he is not in), Bido is a lizard chimera working for Greed. Specifically, he's part gecko, and he has the ability to scale vertical surfaces with his sticky hands and feet. He's also a short, bald middle-aged man who dresses in a beggar's cloak and doesn't wear shoes. While Dolcetto, Martel and Roa each get little bits of insight into their backstories, Bido's is totally untouched on in every piece of the franchise, even to the point of being absent from flashbacks in the 2003 anime. All we get is one flashback to his mugshot, and. Well.

Moving on.

THE MANGA

A panel from the manga. Bido standing in front of the tunnel guardian chimeras.'
The Original Bido. Bido Prime. Bido in the manga gets a few more scenes that are left out from either anime, such as his extended misadventures in the tunnels under Central City (where he encounters Father's guardian chimeras, who consider him to be one of them and thus leave him alone, and also pees his pants twice. That part it's fine they left out actually) and the scene where Greed praises him after his report. There's also a scene at the beginning of Chapter 30 where he stands outside the Nest as it's being shut down by soldiers, hoping that Greed and the rest of his friends are alright.

The same panel of Bido, in the original manga and webtoon versions. He has a different color scheme in each.'
In the colored pages of that scene, which is incidentally the only full-color art of him by Arakawa besides the illustration on the cover of 'The Complete Art of Fullmetal Alchemist' (which features pretty much every character), he has light brown eyes, tan skin, and a green and grey cloak. FMA 2003 more closely matches this color palette. The Korean webtoon version of the manga, though, goes by the palette established by Brotherhood, giving him darker eyes, lighter skin and an all-grey cloak.

His characterization is that of an energetic, self-preserving person who's easily startled and often digs himself into a deeper hole when he's in a bad situation. He's not above tricking people to get what he (or Greed) wants, or gloating when he's gotten one over on someone, but he'll go to great lengths for his friends, and worries about Greed's safety above anything else. He also has a signature laugh-- 'ueh heh heh'. Also, I love him.

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST (2003)

03 Bido is... well. He's something alright! He's very much played up as a 'comedy relief' character, which mostly means he gets hurt a lot and makes funny noises. His introduction scene from the manga is animated, albeit with a few changes, like having him mention Shou Tucker (who is alive and working with Greed; apologies to Greed for the character defamation) and this anime's version of Wrath, and having the excellent line "Don't get upset, it's not like it hurt when I decapitated him!" when he knocks Al's head off with his tail. We get a shot of him standing directly in front of Edward Elric, giving Ed the honor of being taller than an adult man for once in his life.

A screencap of the 2003 anime. Bido smiles widely as he talks on the phone.'
He also calls Greed from a phone booth instead of reporting back to him at the Nest. Which sucks because they didn't animate him blushing and giggling at him, but it's okay I guess because he sounds SO happy to be talking to him on the phone. And also just look at him in there.

Later on he gets assigned to act as Kimbley's hype man-slash-babysitter, and he doesn't do a very good job at the last part because Kimbley will not be stopped from committing atrocities by any god or man. I find it hilarious and also sad how Bido seems so chipper about the job, cracking jokes and everything, but seems absolutely horrified every time Kimbley actually does what he keeps bragging about doing, which is exploding people. And then he forgets within about ten seconds. Out of universe I guess it can be cracked up to his status as comic relief, just acting however he needs to in order to play off Kimbley, but in-universe I can only infer that he's so traumatized from his time in the labs that whenever something legitimately frightens him his brain just shuts it out and wipes it from his memory.

...Because in this version Martel was in the labs for 14 years, and given the higher ratio of lizard to guy in him it seems likely he was one of the earlier test subjects. So that's a lot of years to be locked in an evil mad science lab.

All the new scenes had to be equivalent-exchanged somehow, I guess, because instead of his death being singularly tragic and crucial to the plot, he gets killed along with everyone else in the Nest. It's not even shown on-screen. We're treated to a couple frames of him floating face-up in the sewer and that's all the sendoff he gets. Pour one out for 03 Bido: he scuttled with the best of them.

In Japanese, he's voiced by Tōru Ōkawa. In English he's voiced by Greg Ayres, who takes the same role in Brotherhood. I really, really like his English voice. The only adjectives I can think of to describe it are "quaint" and "delightful". Look out for my compilations page where I'll put a mastercut of all his voice lines.

A screencap of the 2003 anime. Bido, shirtless, stands under green lighting for a mugshot. Why are his pecs so defined'
What do you mean I'm missing something? What do you mean I mentioned it earlie- oh god. Oh god no where did that come from. LET'S LOOK AT SOMETHING ELSE

 
 
 
 

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: CONQUEROR OF SHAMBALLA

 
A screencap from Conqueror of Shamballa. The blond versions of the Devil's Nest are there and they are so scary. Bido is tall and skinny and has hair. Help.'
 
 

NOT THAT SOMETHING ELSE!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE BIDO

 
 
 

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: BROTHERHOOD

A screencap from Brotherhood. Edward Elric holds a broom, looking at Bido standing in the entrance of an alleyway.'
Okay. Thank god. Good old reliable FMAB. Alas, it cuts out so many scenes from the Devil's Nest, and Bido's are no exception; his whole introduction is left out, replaced by a shot of him spying on Izumi from outside her house, and his encounter with Edward is just a tiny scene of him calling to him from an alley and then a smash cut to Ed dropping him on Greed's doorstep. It does, however, add a couple scenes which I think lend themselves to his story really well. First, instead of just having him sitting on a random rooftop when he overhears the soldiers outside the Curtis' shop, we catch him trudging despondently through the alleys, still in tears over Greed's fate weeks or months after the fact.

A screencap from Brotherhood. A closeup of Bido's face centered on his eye, filled with tears and looking angry.'
It's a private and emotional moment that's kind of surface-level but is still better than 'well he's just sitting there on a roof I guess'. Secondly, it's shown in a flashback that he personally witnessed Greed's fight with Bradley in the sewers, and therefore presumably Roa, Dolcetto and Martel's deaths as well, and there's a closeup of his eyes as he reckons with the risk, then summons the determination to hitch a ride under the military car to Central. It's a small moment that fleshes him out a lot more. As opposed to the rest of the Nest, whose characterization Brotherhood flattened a lot by cutting out most of their scenes god damn it

His character design in this show is the most consistent and also just the best execution of his concept on an aesthetic level, I think. The way he's drawn in the manga changes every panel, with his nose and eyes and face and body shapes constantly shifting. It seems like Arakawa couldn't figure out to draw him (if you're having this problem, might I suggest the Official Funny How to Draw Bido Guide?). And in 03 he just looks...

Well he looks like something. Brotherhood Bido looks like my friend. He has kind eyes. And a squishable face. Sometimes he still has the problem of his body shape totally changing depending on the shot but I feel like that's just anime assuming everyone has to be skinny.

He has a different Japanese voice actor, Yūji Ueda. Once again I prefer his English voice; his Japanese actor is the same one who plays Havoc and he just sounds too normal. Bido has to sound like a weird little old man. He has to be able to giggle gleefully. Can Jean Havoc giggle gleefully? I don't think so.

THE MOBILE GAME

Did you know? There's a Fullmetal Alchemist gacha game, produced by Square Enix and currently only available in Japanese. Which is great, because all gacha games should be limited to as small of an audience as possible. And which sucks, because now there's more FMA content that I can't get my hands on.

Bido himself is not currently a playable unit (this is gacha game speak for "jpeg you develop a gambling addiction over"), but he does appear in cutscenes, as the game is supposed to cover the whole story of the manga and then some. His talksprites are Bad. (Like, "some sprites are visibly unfinished" bad.) His in-game 3D model is Also Bad. His fancy character art, of which he only gets a bust due to not being important enough to collect and use in fights? You'd never guess, but it's bad too. They clearly put a lot of effort into making the game and its assets but I guess Bido isn't sexy enough for them to care about making him look consistent or accurate. No I'm not mad.

Aside from the main game, there's a side story featuring the Devil's Nest, exploring how the gang got together in the first place. Despite barely knowing any Japanese I used the powers of "Machine Translation" and "Dictionaries" and "Japanese Yahoo Answers" to try translating it. It's... very limited, story-wise, by being a mission in a mobile strategy game. There are some parts I liked. There are more parts I did not. Maybe I'll upload a review sometime. Bido does not do very much, and he doesn't get any new characterization or backstory info, but he does get to interact a lot with Ulchi, a character with even less in the way of story focus than him, so I'm glad for that, at least. All in all, though, a disappointing lack of Bido. Especially considering his importance to the plot!! You're going to look at the character from the Nest with the most direct impact on Greed's character arc and then not have them interact at ALL in your backstory for them? Really?? I'm not mad though. I'm not mad.

THE LIVE-ACTION MOVIES

I already told you he isn't in these! I know! It sucks! They took out the whole Nest! And Greed's original body! Hiromu Arakawa didn't say in a bonus comic that she'd want live action Greed to be played by Tomoyasu Hotei for this!!!

I guess it's only right, though. Because the only actor I trust to play Bido is Danny Devito. Hashtag Danny DeBido For Life