THE SCOOP ON BIDO

There is not a lot of information about Bido in the canon of Fullmetal Alchemist. That's why I'm here. To compile all of it.

THE BASICS

In all iterations of the story of FMA (save the live-action movies which he is not in), Bido is a lizard chimera working for Greed. Specifically, he's part gecko (we can infer), and he has the ability to scale vertical surfaces with his sticky hands and feet. He's remarkably short, visibly around middle age, dresses in a beggar's cloak and doesn't wear shoes. While Dolcetto, Martel and Roa each get little bits of insight into their backstories, Bido's is totally untouched on in every piece of the franchise, even to the point of being absent from flashbacks in the 2003 anime. All we get is one flashback to his mugshot, and. Well.

Moving on.

THE MANGA

Compared to Brotherhood, I feel like the manga gives the clearer insight into his personality. (If you analyze everything he says and does way too hard.) (Like me.) In spite of his age, class, stature and history, he's an energetic person who's quick on his feet, both literally and mentally. Befitting his role as Greed's informant, he's good at zeroing in on people's sore spots... maybe TOO good; despite his limited fighting ability (he's never shown engaging in combat), he seems to tend to bite off more than he can chew when he's goading information out of a target. Likely he trusts his ability to escape before things get too nasty and considers a few knocks a fair price to pay. Despite that, he still gets VERY indignant when hurt or slighted. And when you're Bido McDevil'sNest, slights and injuries are not exactly uncommon things.

As a member of the Nest, he doesn't seem to have any qualms about the sort of crime his cohorts get up to. But that's not to say he's without his boundaries. Out of all the gang he seems the most openly harrowed at reminders of his time in the labs, and declares the military plan to weaponize Philosopher's Stone-fueled living dolls to be "pure evil" while fleeing the scene in fear. And that sense of righteous anger extends equally to his friends. He shows extraordinary care and concern for Greed in particular and is moved to tears of rage on his behalf when he thinks the "purified" version of him is mocking the mannerisms of his old self.

The manga gives him a few more scenes that are left out from either anime, such as his extended misadventures in the tunnels under Central City (where he's spared by Father's guardian chimeras because of his familiar smell. And also pees his pants twice. I understand leaving that last part out) and a panel where Greed praises him after he returns with his report. There's also a scene at the beginning of Chapter 30 where he stands outside the Nest as it's being shut down by soldiers, hoping that they're not there for the chimeras and that Greed is alright.

Manga Bido has a signature laugh that goes 'ueh heh heh' and it's very cute.

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST (2003)

The Devil's Nest is heartwrenching in this show. If you haven't watched it: you should! Expect a very different and more character-driven story that's not afraid to make hard-hitting commentary on the world we live in. Still, 03 Bido is, to my chagrin, very much relegated to the role of Comic Relief. Most of his scant few scenes involve him getting hurt and making funny noises. Unlike Brotherhood, his introduction scene from the manga is animated, albeit with a few changes; he mentions that Shou Tucker is the one who tipped him off about Al's empty body, as here Tucker survives long enough to turn himself into a pickle chimera and get scooped up by Greed, along with a grungier Kimbley, in the chaos of the prison break at Lab 5. (Later on Tucker denies that it was his idea to kidnap Al; I'm Pressing [X] to Doubt.)

Unlike his passive-aggressive approach in the manga, it appears the condensed timeframe between the gang's escape and their setting up shop in Dublith has resulted in a much ruder Bido. Good for him(?). He calls Al a freak with zero hesitation and directly after that the dub gives him the beautiful line "Don't get upset, it's not like it hurt when I decapitated him!" when he knocks his helmet clean off with his tail. We also get a shot of him standing directly in front of Ed, giving everyone's Fullest Metal Alchemist the honor of being taller than an adult man for once in his life.

Anyway. Remember how Kimbley (grunge edition) is here too? He offers to help lead an attack on South City HQ, and despite Martel's vocal mistrust, Greed gets reverse-psychologied into allowing it... on the condition that Bido accompany him. It's a little funny that out of an entire gang of hypercompetent ex-military goons Greed picked the unassuming four-foot-something recon specialist for maniacal war criminal babysitting duty.

But on the other hand, it's not like I can't see the logic. If something goes sideways, Greed needs SOMEBODY escaping to tell the tale. Kimbley's alchemy has basically every aspect of the assault covered; another fighter would probably just slow him down, which would put them at risk of him considering them a liability and exploading them. Bido is solely there to see the thing through, report back to Greed, and serve as a silent reminder that the boss is watching.

With this in mind it makes some level of sense, that Bido blithely plays hypeman throughout the mission, even after Kimbley blows people up right in front of him and brags about killing women and children. It's not that the proximity doesn't faze him, because he cracks and expresses fear several times; I used to think the only explanation was some sort of crazy compartmentalization or trauma-induced memory issue, but honestly, I think the easiest, most illuminating answer is just that he's playing along with the mass murderer because that is his job right now. And sure, I might still be overthinking it, given how the rest of his appearances are "lizard guy gets slammed into wall and emits Mel Brooks scream", but I think it parallels well with the way Armstrong acts throughout the arc-- not rocking the boat, following all his orders to the precise degree he is told to follow them, even though he obviously doesn't want to be there.

Not that I don't still think "trauma" explains a lot about the way that he is. Because in the 03 timeline, Martel was in the lab for 14 years. And given Bido's far higher ratio of lizard to guy, it seems likely to me that he was transmuted even earlier than her, and "≥14" is a lot of years to be locked in the dungeon where they turn human beings into dogs and suits of armor and red glowstick goo.

Aside from the tweaked intro, phone call, escort mission, and various scenes where he's standing around with the rest of the gang, the last unique scene of his that stood out to me was a very brief moment when Greed and the chimeras are hiking through the woods. Greed decides he wants to go on ahead by himself. Bido responds in a tone way more subdued than any of his other lines: "You're not going out there alone, are you?"

He sounds genuinely worried, and it's just. It's sweet of him is all. And very very very sad considering what the short remainder of both their lives are like.

All the new scenes had to be equivalent-exchanged somehow. Instead of the tragic spotlight of the manga and Brotherhood where his death is singularly crucial to the trajectory of the plot, Bido is one of many killed in the Nest in a brief montage after Kimbley rats them out. It's not even shown on-screen. We're treated to a couple frames of him floating face-up in the sewer and that's all the sendoff he gets. Pour one out for 03 Bido: he scuttled with the best of them.

Lastly, speaking of his voice. In Japanese, he's voiced by Tōru Ōkawa, who also plays Mustang. Wow. In English he's voiced by Greg Ayres, who takes the same role in Brotherhood. And I really, really like his performance. The only adjectives I can think of to describe it are "quaint" and "delightful". Look out for my compilations page where I'll put a mastercut of all his lines.

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: CONQUEROR OF SHAMBALLA

NOT THAT SOMETHING ELSE!!!

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: BROTHERHOOD

His character design in this show is the most consistent and also just the best execution of his concept on an aesthetic level, I think. The way he's drawn in the manga changes every panel, with his nose and eyes and face and body shapes constantly shifting. It seems like Arakawa couldn't figure out to draw him (if you're having this problem, might I suggest the Official Funny How to Draw Bido Guide?). And in 03...

Well he looks like something in 03. Brotherhood Bido looks like my friend. He has kind eyes. And a Muppety face. Sometimes he still has the problem of his body shape totally changing depending on the shot but I feel like maybe the animators just didn't get the memo that he's fat under there. Not to worry, Mr. Bido. I got the memo.

He has a different Japanese voice actor: Yūji Ueda. Once again I prefer Greg Ayres' version. Ueda also plays Havoc and he just sounds too normal. Bido has to sound like a weird little old man. He has to be able to giggle gleefully. Can Jean Havoc giggle gleefully? I don't think so. Still, maybe it's good to have him sound normal, because it could help stave off the army of people who seem to think Bido is a small child.

THE MOBILE GAME

Did you know? There is WAS a Fullmetal Alchemist gacha game, produced by Square Enix and currently FOREVER only available in Japanese. Which is great, because all gacha games should be limited to as small of an audience as possible. And which sucks, because now there's more FMA content that I have to exert effort to get my hands on.

Bido himself was not a playable unit (this is gacha-speak for "jpeg you develop a gambling addiction over"), but he did appear in cutscenes, as the game was supposed to cover the whole story of the manga and then some. His talksprites are Bad. (Like, "some sprites are visibly unfinished" bad.) His in-game 3D model is Also Bad. His fancy character art? Of which he only gets a bust due to not being important enough to collect and use in fights? You'd never guess, but it's bad too. They clearly put a lot of effort into making the game and its assets but I guess Bido isn't sexy enough for them to care about making him look consistent or accurate. No I'm not mad at all.

Aside from the main game, which was cut short a little under halfway through the plot of the manga, there's a side story featuring the Devil's Nest, exploring how the gang got together in the first place. Despite barely knowing any Japanese at the time, I used the powers of "Machine Translation" and "Dictionaries" and "Japanese Yahoo Answers" to try translating it when it was released. It's... very limited, story-wise, by being a mission in a mobile strategy game. There are some parts I liked. There are more parts I did not. Maybe I'll upload a review sometime. Bido does not do very much, and he doesn't get any new characterization or backstory info, but he does get to interact a lot with Ulchi, a character with even less in the way of story focus than him, so I'm glad for that, at least. All in all, though, a disappointing lack of Bido. Especially considering his importance to the plot!! You're going to look at the character from the Nest with the most direct impact on Greed's character arc and then not have them interact at ALL in your backstory for them? Really?? I'm not mad though. I'm not mad.

THE LIVE-ACTION MOVIES

I already told you he isn't in these! I know! It sucks! They took out the whole Nest! And Greed's original body! Hiromu Arakawa didn't say in a bonus comic that she'd want live action Greed to be played by Tomoyasu Hotei for this!!!

I guess it's only right, though. Because the only actor I trust to play Bido is Danny Devito. #DannyDeBido