THE QUESTION

For years, fans of Fullmetal Alchemist have struggled. They have been plagued by confusion, by uncertainty. No one dares ask outright, for fear the answer will forever remain out of reach. And yet they ponder.

Can adult men... be short?

A panel from a fan translation of the Fullmetal Alchemist manga. Ling says 'Then whose memories are these? You trying to tell me that Bido kid was lying?' — Scanlation Ling, you are 15, you have no room to talk. (The official Viz translation reads "Are you telling me that what Bido said was all a lie?")

You may think this is a silly question, and that you know plenty of adult men in real life who are short. But to the Fullmetal Alchemist fandom, this is a problem stumping even the deepest and most intelligent thinkers. Even creators of the most widely-circulated fan translations... yes, the same ones who convinced everyone that a line from Lord of the Rings was actually an original Royai quote that they should use in all their fan edits. I can't open a single fanfiction without seeing someone assert that sweet innocent Bido was the baby of the Nest who loved Greed like the father he never had.

But as the world's leading Bido expert, I can finally put this mystery to rest. Let's examine the facts.

THE EVIDENCE

First of all, in order to solve this equation, we need to compare and contrast. What does 'a child' look like? And what does 'a Bido' look like?

Fortunately there are a multitude of children in Fullmetal Alchemist to reference. The main character is one, even.

A collection of headshots of the child characters of Fullmetal Alchemist. — Alphonse is an outlier and should not have been counted.

From this dataset, we can conclude that children in the FMAB style typically have round faces, large eyes, and small noses. Now onto the other side of things. What do 'not children' look like?

A collection of headshots of the adult characters of Fullmetal Alchemist. — What are they all looking at? You decide.

From THIS dataset we can conclude that adults in this same style typically have more angular and defined features, as well as smaller eyes and larger noses.

Now for the final inspection. What does Bido look like?

Well, he has a roundish face... and large eyes... but a big nose, and wrinkles?! This is madness! He's some kind of... combination adult and child!!!

...No, I'm making fun. Come on, man. Look at him. He's bald as a ping pong ball. He's probably got crow's feet. If this guy is a day under 45 I'll eat my own toes.

Maybe you don't want to take my word for it, though. That's fine. Hey look at this really quick?

THE ANSWER

A panel from the manga featuring Bido staring wide-eyed up at Alphonse, offscreen, who says 'Oji-san' in hiragana.

A screenshot that reads 'Definition of おじさん. 1. (n) uncle 2. old man; mister (vocative)

Alright thanks for coming everybody.